Lana Moon Vs. Public Restrooms (A Frightening Tale of Survival)

There are three stalls in the ladies' room. Three. I occupy the one at the end for a quick break.

The door opens. Footsteps enter. The other two stalls are empty. And yet, this stranger immediately chooses the stall right next to mine. 

This baffles me, and my bladder tightens. 

Maybe there was something bad in the other stall. Maybe this middle stall is her "safety" zone. Whatever the contemplation, my fear is heightened when a hand is suddenly reaching underneath my stall...dangerously close to my leg. 

"Hey," the extremely irritating stall-neighbor says. "There's no toilet paper in here. Grab me some, would ya?"

Her demanding tone is annoying. Her tact is nonexistent. But to get her to stop talking and remove her hand, I grab about 20 ft of 1-ply toilet paper (standard in most public restrooms) and give it to her. 

She removes her hand and goes about her business. Then she begins whistling. It's the kind of whistling that reminds me of a horror flick where some guy gets stabbed by a whistling psycho while he's on the pot.

I have entered hell.

Some people envision hell as a giant fire-pit with devils dancing around it. Mine is being trapped in a stall next to Whistlin' Wendy with a terrified (and very full) bladder. And yet the fun has only just begun. 

While my business is the most simplistic (a.k.a. a cup of water too many), her business is graphic, violent, and seemingly unending. 

I try to focus. Just pee and get the hell out of here! 

But then...

"Fuck!" She exclaims. "I guess that breakfast burrito wasn't the best choice." She pats the way-too-thin barrier between us as if to pat my shoulder. At this point, my bladder is so frightened it has retreated up to my neck. "Grab me some more toilet paper, please." 

The hand returns. It's greedy. The long fingers are desperately reaching around. I pull more paper maniacally from the roll and hand it to her. 

At this point, I'm considering giving her the entire roll. The *entire* roll for freedom--for her to finish this road of revulsion and leave. Then a phone starts ringing. She answers it. My horror increases. 

"I'm in the shitter. What's up?" 

At this point, I have to make a crucial decision. Stay in hopes the madwoman leaves, or exit quickly (and silently) with whatever dignity I have left and find another bathroom.

Then a miracle happens. Her toilet flushes. I hear buttons being snapped closed. The stall door opens. The faucet at the sink is turned on. Even though she's still babbling on her phone (which I can only assume carries Typhoid now), I know the end is in sight. 

The water turns off. She ends her phone call. That's it...just go. GO! But she stands silently in front of the mirror. 

I am glaring at her through the cracks of my stall. And if I had any psychokinetic powers, she would have spontaneously combusted on the spot. 

Instead, she pulls a cosmetic bag out of her purse...and begins applying makeup. 

If Dante's Inferno has 7 levels of hell, this would be level 3 of mine. 

Suddenly the door opens. More footsteps. Level 4. 

"Hey girl, how are you doing?" 

Great, they know each other. Level 5. 

"You would not believe how crazy last night was!"

Five minutes of dialog commences. At this point, I know I'm trapped. I don't want the madwoman to see my face for fear we work on the same floor. Plus, we just don't need to be toilet friends. I also fear my bladder has slipped into a coma. 

When the bathroom is finally empty, I sigh heavily. My bladder descends back down to its proper position. Relief blessed by the gods envelopes me. I've somehow been spared levels 6 and 7.

I just have to explain the epic saga to coworkers who have possibly organized a search party by now...because who takes SO LONG just to pee?!  

But each day, the saga continues...

Happy Tax Day to YOU!

In honor of tax day, All Romance Ebooks is offering 25% off on select books for TODAY ONLY!

My publisher is participating. Go forth and buy!

And if you're not sure where to start browsing...

The Heart of Stonem Manor is only $2.99 & Awake is only $2.49!

#Rapture free days!

If you're interested, Rapture will be free this Wed (4/15) and Thur (4/16)!

Download to your heart's content!

Unfamiliar? Check out an excerpt below! Happy Free Book Buying!

EXCERPT:

March 2, 1995

Annie and I are taking turns sleeping in the children's room with them. Sleep is difficult. Derrick and Jaco still haven't returned. No sign of Mr. Pritchard either.

My worry has turned into near panic. I want to go out and look for them, but Bobby screams if I leave his sight. Annie seems scared as well, but she puts on a brave face. I don't want to leave her alone with both children. They still talk about Ralphie whispering to them, but he can't get past the barrier now. We try to occupy their minds with games and word puzzles. But our fear must be showing.

At least they do still sleep.

After I put them to bed, Annie and I talked by the fireplace at the corridor entrance. "You've been quiet the past few days," she remarked. I told her I was worried. All three of them had been gone too long. "Can I tell you something, Sister?" She pulled a sheet of notebook paper out of her pocket. "I was going through Derrick's office. Mostly cleaning—and somewhat snooping I guess. Anyway, I found this." She held out the paper for me. It was a penciled sketch of a half-naked woman, very detailed, especially the face. Derrick was talented, I'd have to admit that. Perhaps too talented. "Anything you want to talk about?"

Out of control, I started to cry. Where was my resolve to serve and obey God now? "You know, I'm not one to judge, Sister. You're young, pretty, strong . . .  Priest or not, the man's not blind to it."

I sobbed, unable to keep the fear and guilt at bay any longer. “I stopped him before it went too far. I did. I stopped him.” Where were my precious vows now? Admitting my sins to Annie, instead of praying for ALL of their safe returns. “I stopped him, but I didn’t want him to . . .”

+++

Mark your calendars! Rapture and Genesis are regularly priced at 99 cents (with the exception of this week's sale). Purgatory will be released on May 20th! 

And in May, join me as I close out the trilogy! XOXO

THE HEART OF STONEM MANOR: learn its secrets...and fall in love.

The Heart of Stonem Manor is a mystery romance with heavy paranormal undertones.

It's the story of the brooding and charming John Stonem, who lives alone in his mansion after the love of his life dies.

Fate appears to play a hand when he suddenly encounters a woman who looks exactly like his late wife.

One nearly botched kidnapping later, and single mother Hazel Loveless finds herself thrown into John's lonely world. Accompanied by her little daughter, Hazel is forced to revisit John's past in order to help him out of his grief...but the further into his world she travels, the harder it is to keep her growing attraction at bay.

To make matters worse, Hazel's daughter forms an eerie bond with a very creepy doll...a doll who seems to know a lot about what happened inside the mansion walls before Hazel arrived.

With a household full of secrets, will Hazel be the key to unleashing the truth of the past at last?

THE HEART OF STONEM MANOR

Learn its secrets...and fall in love.

AN EXCERPT:

Love for the Loveless 

"You, not extraordinary?" His words were roughened with passion.

"I'm just Hazel, John. There is no larger-than-life anything about me. I'm a mother. I wanted to be a writer, but all I do is scribble on notepad. I worked a bunch of lousy diner jobs. And now, I schlep coffee for the St. Jerome paper. At least, I did..."

"That's far from the truth, which you continue to shield from everyone. Tell me what you write about."

"No."

He brushed his lips against her neck before meeting her gaze. "I want you, Hazel. But I can see the hesitation in your eyes." He leaned closer to her, never breaking her gaze. "Let go of your reservations. Let me make love to you. Let me give you something you've never had."

"I've had sex before, John."

"But you've never made love with a man who would go to so much trouble just to have you."

+++
BUY LINKS:

AMAZON

SMASHWORDS

ALL ROMANCE

Like my FB page for new releases and swag giveaways!

BUFFY AND ANGEL: FINAL RITE

(Disclaimer: My paranormal story resume is about to include vampires--but the vampires I love are mostly from the 90s. This is an homage to my fave super-couple--and how I wish the show had ended...Please also note, I like to pretend Angel never had his own show...)

As an 8th grade girl, I remember rushing home to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And as a woman in her 30s now, I'm saying, without a doubt, that no other program has replaced the superior wit, the intricate plots, and the wickedly perfect love stories that this show spun.

Most notably, of course, was the epic love story of Buffy and Angel. When Sarah Michelle Gellar's blonde and edgy Buffy locked lips with the sexy and mysterious David Boreanaz, who had been aiding her nocturnal vamp hunts, not a single lady in the 14-30 year age bracket could take a breath--and when Angel pulled back from that kiss and revealed those hungry fangs, not a single lady 14-30 could move.

Buffy had a lot of solid plot points, but the love story between the title character and fallen vampire Angel was a game-changer. It was Romeo and Juliet in the Hellmouth. It was a perfect retelling of Bram Stoker's Dracula, with a female empowered 90s edge. Maybe that's what set Buffy apart. The hero was always Buffy. The Buffy allies and Buffy villains changed throughout the course of the series. But every little girl who grew up watching Buffy was instilled with a sense of confidence, strength, and edge that had previously been reserved for the guys (Superman, Batman, insert male lead detective here). Wonder Woman was a great show, but it was campy and the outfit was a little too sexualized.

Buffy was just a high school girl born into a destiny she didn't want. She wanted to be a normal girl, nothing more. Instead, the fate of the world was thrust upon her shoulders--and her audience of teen girls wanted to hold her hand as she endured not just wicked battles with the undead, but real-life obstacles: disappointing her family...failing her driver's test...losing her virginity (which, if you haven't seen that episode, it and its aftermath will haunt and devastate you).

Buffy broke ground, too, by incorporating a full-fledged lesbian romance on the show: enter Willow, Buffy's best friend, and Tara--the girl who stole Willow's heart. I loved sweet Tara and I loved that the show propelled a more adult romance without all the cheesiness that had often been associated with gay and lesbian couples on TV.

But...I would have ended the series after the 4th season.

Buffy and Angel's relationship was beautiful and heartbreaking--and it's possibly why I'm still single (ha!--no, but really...maybe...). If you strip both of their superpowers away--her slaying abilities and his vampness--then it's a love story about two people just trying to survive in a complicated world.

And they lost. At least, that's what it felt like at the end of Season 4 (Graduation).

If I could rewrite that ending, I would. The mayor would be destroyed. The world would be saved. But instead of Angel leaving, he'd be waiting for Buffy outside the blown up high school...and they'd leave together. The finale of two people who sacrificed everything for everyone they loved should have been their happy ending.

And in my ending, Cordelia realizes her disdain for high school boys extends to boys in general. And her short romance with Xander was her subconscious way to get closer to Willow. Oh yes--that's my fantasy lesbian couple: Cordelia and Willow. The prom queen and the geek.

Xander finds love with a brainy lady librarian, who takes over the library in the rebuilt high school after Giles and Joyce elope and move to England. Spike and Dru spend their eternity in each other's misery--after Dru's soul is restored.

It's a happy ending for all--and while I did love Anya and Tara, I like my ending better for the sake of Buffy and Angel.

Still and all, Buffy the Vampire Slayer will forever be in my heart like the Twilight saga is for coming-of-age girls today. The difference I hope people will see is how much more powerful Buffy's story is.

She never needed saving. She did the saving. And her final reward should have been a long life with the vampire who owned her heart. <3

+++

Do you love paranormal love stories? Check out the tale of a forbidden romance between a sexy incubus and the girl next door. Awake.

*Photos courtesy of Google*

Purgatory: A SNEAK PEEK

If you've read E.M. Bryant's Rapture, and its prequel Genesis, then you're probably more than ready for the release of Purgatory, the final installment in this chilling series!

Purgatory picks up nearly 20 years after Rapture ends... And while we're in for a treat with a new character--the brooding but sexy Gregory Bowers--we also FINALLY get to find out what happened to the makeshift family that made it out of that horrible school--namely, the young nun, the mysterious Derrick Locke, and the 3 little children they rescued.

And, of course, there's the question of Jess Jaco's fate.

Aiding Gregory Bowers with his investigation is the spirited Vivian Sparrow. Vivian is a single mother and workaholic, and her perception into the occult brings a new level of fear and urgency to the case. But as perceptive as Vivian is about the increasing sense of unease and burgeoning evil, Bowers remains skeptical...until he begins to have haunting dreams that threaten the thread between reality and paranoia, leaving him convinced that finding the nun is the key to everything.

Is Jess Jaco haunting the investigators as they struggle to uncover the truth?

As Bowers becomes more and more obsessed with the young nun and finding out who she really is, Vivian worries that Jaco is back and waiting to close in for another round of terror. And when a crazed drifter is apprehended by the police, it is up to Bowers and Sparrow to uncover his true identity. The police believe they have Jaco; but the drifter refuses to cooperate and only requests the company of his wife...leaving both investigators suspicious of exactly who the Merrick Hills police have in custody.

Is it really Jaco? ...Or someone else from the past?

Get ready for the grand finale.

And if you haven't read Rapture or Genesis yet, check out the link's below for free excerpts from both stories.

PRIZE: January 30, we'll be giving away an autographed paperback of Rapture. To enter the drawing, just like our FACEBOOK page! Winner will be announced on the page on 1/30.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE NEWS ABOUT PURGATORY!

RAPTURE
Exploring a forgotten town, a group of students stumble upon a diary inside an abandoned boarding school. The contents of the diary reveal the horrific final months of the remaining residents—all being haunted and tormented by a series of frightening occurrences. 
The author of the diary, a young nun, recounts the last days of the school. A young student is missing, and a much-loved priest is suddenly viewed with suspicion. After the school’s funds are cut drastically, the last of the faculty are plagued with fear and paranoia. As the nun struggles to keep the children safe, her faith and vows are put to the ultimate test. And her shocking testimony builds to a devastating truth that will stun until the very last entry.
CLICK HERE FOR EXCERPT
VIEW RAPTURE TRAILER HERE

GENESIS 
Follow Jess Jaco's descent into madness in the second installment of E.M. Bryant's diary trilogy... 

“I should have ran so many months ago. Now I know that is not possible. Whatever this place is, it will not allow me to go.” 

Fr. Jaco arrives at the dwindling school known as St. Martin's and quickly becomes targeted by a malicious force...or is it merely his tragic and sinful past catching up with him? Revealing secrets its predecessor left out, Jaco's journal brings both new horrors and new struggles for the remaining residents of the school...with the chilling last entry ushering in a new beginning for the final installment.
CLICK HERE FOR EXCERPT

<>
For more about E.M. Bryant, visit her Amazon page and blog!

BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND I'M NOT A SIZE 2, AND I DON'T CARE

My social network feeds are becoming more and more clogged with "helpful" articles for the over-30s club. Everything from "It's Okay to Have No Children" to "The Duggars Got it Right!"--and from "Too Fat is Too Cute" and "You're a French-fry Away from a Heart Attack, Fatty!" Then there's the always-present "Looking for Love over 30" articles. Oh, yes. Those articles explaining everything I should be looking for in a mate because, if left to my own devices, I would inevitably bring someone to Christmas dinner who fell off the back of a van.

I'm in my 30s now, so the reaction I'm supposed to have is mass panic apparently, as well as a complete feeling of inadequacy. I have no children. PANIC. I'm not a size 2 (or even an 8). PANIC! I have no husband or life partner. PANIC!!! I've reached an age that seems to be looming over the cliff of "it's now or never!"

...Except that I don't feel any of the panic, and I've spent a lot of time over-analyzing that fact because that must mean there's something wrong with me, right?

I have two full time jobs--the day job and the writing job. While my day job does not define me, I think writing always has. And maybe that's why I'm comfortable in my own skin (at least for the moment).

I like to daydream about intricate plots involving lost souls, unrequited love, and wine. And again, maybe that's why I'm comfortable. I can write about a dozen different lives and live pieces of all of them while doing it.

Is the danger then that I'm not truly living any kind of life but one in fantasy? It's a puzzle, and I'm not sure that's a direct yes or no question anyway. But if you're a full-time writer, part of living your life is skating along the razor's edge of reality and fantasy.

We all need an escape, but we all also need something that makes us feel secure. For some, it's money or a powerful career. For others, it's family. And for the rest of us, it's something that drives us forward, no matter what life throws in our path.

As for me, I've got stories to tell, people to meet, and more books to hit the shelves soon.

Happy Holidays, and no matter where you are in your life, I hope you find joy. And if that joy doesn't include what every know-it-all article seems to think you should have in the current stage of your life, maybe that makes it extra special.  XOXO

HAPPY READING!

_________________________________________________

New book coming: THE HEART OF STONEM MANOR (more details soon!)

Let's connect on:
FB
Twitter
Tsu

Have a favorite author? Check out my page on Amazon!