Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Lana Moon Vs. Public Restrooms (A Frightening Tale of Survival)

There are three stalls in the ladies' room. Three. I occupy the one at the end for a quick break.

The door opens. Footsteps enter. The other two stalls are empty. And yet, this stranger immediately chooses the stall right next to mine. 

This baffles me, and my bladder tightens. 

Maybe there was something bad in the other stall. Maybe this middle stall is her "safety" zone. Whatever the contemplation, my fear is heightened when a hand is suddenly reaching underneath my stall...dangerously close to my leg. 

"Hey," the extremely irritating stall-neighbor says. "There's no toilet paper in here. Grab me some, would ya?"

Her demanding tone is annoying. Her tact is nonexistent. But to get her to stop talking and remove her hand, I grab about 20 ft of 1-ply toilet paper (standard in most public restrooms) and give it to her. 

She removes her hand and goes about her business. Then she begins whistling. It's the kind of whistling that reminds me of a horror flick where some guy gets stabbed by a whistling psycho while he's on the pot.

I have entered hell.

Some people envision hell as a giant fire-pit with devils dancing around it. Mine is being trapped in a stall next to Whistlin' Wendy with a terrified (and very full) bladder. And yet the fun has only just begun. 

While my business is the most simplistic (a.k.a. a cup of water too many), her business is graphic, violent, and seemingly unending. 

I try to focus. Just pee and get the hell out of here! 

But then...

"Fuck!" She exclaims. "I guess that breakfast burrito wasn't the best choice." She pats the way-too-thin barrier between us as if to pat my shoulder. At this point, my bladder is so frightened it has retreated up to my neck. "Grab me some more toilet paper, please." 

The hand returns. It's greedy. The long fingers are desperately reaching around. I pull more paper maniacally from the roll and hand it to her. 

At this point, I'm considering giving her the entire roll. The *entire* roll for freedom--for her to finish this road of revulsion and leave. Then a phone starts ringing. She answers it. My horror increases. 

"I'm in the shitter. What's up?" 

At this point, I have to make a crucial decision. Stay in hopes the madwoman leaves, or exit quickly (and silently) with whatever dignity I have left and find another bathroom.

Then a miracle happens. Her toilet flushes. I hear buttons being snapped closed. The stall door opens. The faucet at the sink is turned on. Even though she's still babbling on her phone (which I can only assume carries Typhoid now), I know the end is in sight. 

The water turns off. She ends her phone call. That's it...just go. GO! But she stands silently in front of the mirror. 

I am glaring at her through the cracks of my stall. And if I had any psychokinetic powers, she would have spontaneously combusted on the spot. 

Instead, she pulls a cosmetic bag out of her purse...and begins applying makeup. 

If Dante's Inferno has 7 levels of hell, this would be level 3 of mine. 

Suddenly the door opens. More footsteps. Level 4. 

"Hey girl, how are you doing?" 

Great, they know each other. Level 5. 

"You would not believe how crazy last night was!"

Five minutes of dialog commences. At this point, I know I'm trapped. I don't want the madwoman to see my face for fear we work on the same floor. Plus, we just don't need to be toilet friends. I also fear my bladder has slipped into a coma. 

When the bathroom is finally empty, I sigh heavily. My bladder descends back down to its proper position. Relief blessed by the gods envelopes me. I've somehow been spared levels 6 and 7.

I just have to explain the epic saga to coworkers who have possibly organized a search party by now...because who takes SO LONG just to pee?!  

But each day, the saga continues...

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Happy Tax Day to YOU!

In honor of tax day, All Romance Ebooks is offering 25% off on select books for TODAY ONLY!

My publisher is participating. Go forth and buy!

And if you're not sure where to start browsing...

The Heart of Stonem Manor is only $2.99 & Awake is only $2.49!

Monday, April 13, 2015

#Rapture free days!

If you're interested, Rapture will be free this Wed (4/15) and Thur (4/16)!

Download to your heart's content!

Unfamiliar? Check out an excerpt below! Happy Free Book Buying!


March 2, 1995
Annie and I are taking turns sleeping in the children's room with them. Sleep is difficult. Derrick and Jaco still haven't returned. No sign of Mr. Pritchard either.

My worry has turned into near panic. I want to go out and look for them, but Bobby screams if I leave his sight. Annie seems scared as well, but she puts on a brave face. I don't want to leave her alone with both children. They still talk about Ralphie whispering to them, but he can't get past the barrier now. We try to occupy their minds with games and word puzzles. But our fear must be showing.

At least they do still sleep.

After I put them to bed, Annie and I talked by the fireplace at the corridor entrance. "You've been quiet the past few days," she remarked. I told her I was worried. All three of them had been gone too long. "Can I tell you something, Sister?" She pulled a sheet of notebook paper out of her pocket. "I was going through Derrick's office. Mostly cleaning—and somewhat snooping I guess. Anyway, I found this." She held out the paper for me. It was a penciled sketch of a half-naked woman, very detailed, especially the face. Derrick was talented, I'd have to admit that. Perhaps too talented. "Anything you want to talk about?"

Out of control, I started to cry. Where was my resolve to serve and obey God now? "You know, I'm not one to judge, Sister. You're young, pretty, strong . . .  Priest or not, the man's not blind to it."

I sobbed, unable to keep the fear and guilt at bay any longer. “I stopped him before it went too far. I did. I stopped him.” Where were my precious vows now? Admitting my sins to Annie, instead of praying for ALL of their safe returns. “I stopped him, but I didn’t want him to . . .”


Mark your calendars! Rapture and Genesis are regularly priced at 99 cents (with the exception of this week's sale). Purgatory will be released on May 20th! 

And in May, join me as I close out the trilogy! XOXO